Battle of the Titans: Mum got angry and you won't believe what happened next...

"The Titans piled mountains upon mountains that they might get into the heavens and battle with the Gods. Zeus mounted his eagle came down and overthrew them with his thunderbolts."

'The Battle of the Titans was a 10 year war of supremacy between the children of Gaia and Uranus (aka The Titans) and their grandchildren (aka The Gods of Olympus).

Like many family feuds of it's time, the cause of the fight stems back to incest and a disagreement over parenting styles. Every night Uranus (the sky) would hit up Gaia (the earth) for some Netflix and Chill. But, as this was before our clever monkey butts invented the internet, and Uranus had no chill, he ended up just boning Gaia--who happened to be his mum (yeah, that's nasty).

It gets worse. Binge-worthy TV shows and a dating pool that extended outside the family weren't the only things missing from this dark time. The primordial gods also lacked basic Sex Education.  This was unfortunate for all involved because Uranus wasn't ready to be a father. Despite his deep wish to be childless, for reasons he couldn't quite understand, Gaia kept bearing his children. And he hated those little brats.

So, living up to his name (ie. he was an ass), Uranus took the ugliest of those crying, shitting, little buns (the cyclopes and centimanes) and put them back in the oven. Now you may be thinking, Whoa, hold up. It doesn't work like that, once they're out, they're out. No backsies!  And believe me, Gaia was thinking the same thing and said as much. But her protests were lost to the wind (see what I did there...sky god...wind? No? Psh, whatever). 

Naturally, Gaia found this to be most unpleasant. Nobody appreciates having their deformed offspring shoved up their Tartarus. Deciding enough was enough, she grabbed her first edition copy of How to Screw Up Your Children, flipped open to Chapter 3: Involving Your Children in Parental Disputes, and got to work turning her little titans against their dad. 

Cronus, being the biggest mama's boy of the bunch, agreed to help put an end to his father's nightly visits by performing an impromptu sex-change operation on dear ol' dad with a giant sickle. Not being much a surgeon, the end result was a very messy castration. Seriously, it was insane--the things that came out of Uranus' nutsack literally took on a life of their own.
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Now, it's common knowledge that when one takes out the Boss that means they become the boss, that's how I got my management position at Ihop (they're still picking Tracey's teeth out of the pancake batter). But before Cronus' butt even landed on his father's throne, Uranus left him with a parting prophesy--one that has been echoed by parents for millennia since: "I hope your kids are just like you."  Or something like that. I dunno, I wasn't there.

This freaked Cronus out. He didn't want to be overthrown by his own kid, that would suck! Being the cunning and paranoid god that he was, he developed one of the first methods of birth control--eating your offspring. His wife, Rhea however, being firmly pro-life, didn't much like this and decided to save one of her sons by feeding her husband a rock instead (Titan's had some ugly babies). Meanwhile, Cronus decided why not piss off all the women in his life and also managed to make his mother angry by deciding his Father was onto something and putting his brothers back in Tartarus.

The boy who lived, contrary to what that Scottish woman said, was named Zeus. Zeus grew up and sure as shit decided to overthrow pops and free his siblings. Now how he did this is like one of those stories that changes each time the person tells it; with each retelling getting even more wild. One version, Granny Gaia gave Zeus a tonic to slip into Cronus' wine making him vomit up all the kids (that is some super slow metabolism and some nasty ass wine), in another, Zeus sliced Cronus opened, performing the world's first successful c-section. Regardless, Zeus' siblings were free, and the war was on!

First thing #teamOlympus did was get on Gram's good side by freeing their uncles from Tartarus. The centimanes hurled rocks (or titan babies, I hear they're easily confused for one another)  at Cronus and the cyclopes crafted lightning bolts for their nephew to hurl at Cronus. One could say they were holding a grudge. As the war waged on, Prometheus and Themis defected from #teamTitan and joined #teamOlympus, ensuring they escaped punishment when Cronus inevitably lost (and somewhere Uranus was laughing). 

The Battle of the Titans won, Zeus and his bros drew straws to see who got to rule where. Zeus got to be the deity in charge and much to his grandmother's dismay, his first action was to imprison the titans (excluding Prometheus and Themis) in...you guessed it, Tartarus.

And you thought your holiday dinners were awkward.